Last night there was pretty much two choices on TV.
1. A house full of people of questionable talent… Big Brother.
2. A casino showroom full of people of questionable talent… the Logies.
I caught a few brief moments of the Logies, and it was, as is to be expected, pretty damn terrible.
But I think the lowest point was when Bindi Irwin won best new female talent… and beat actual grown up actresses, because according to the Australian public, she has "talent"… I’d call it "a good marketing team and an overbearing stage mom dealing with her grief in a way likely to mean her daughter will need serious counselling for a long time".
But hey, what the Australian public says goes I guess.
There were a few things I would suggest to improve the ceremony.
1. More Mr G/Chris Lilley characters.
2. More Chaser and Adam Hills.
3. Less of anyone that has ever appeared on Sunrise, Today, Today Tonight, A Current Affair or 9am with David and Kim, minus the ones that appeared only in file footage as part of a one sided slur piece against them.
3. Less of anyone from Dancing with the Stars, It Takes Two, or other show that involves B or C grade celebrities doing something they aren’t good at.
4. Actually, less of anyone from a commercial TV station. Unless they are making a speech so idiotic it’s actually comical.
5. Kate Ritchie not winning the gold Logie. The upset would have been great. As long as Rove or Lisa McCune didn’t win it either. It would be amazing if an actor or actress won it (or comedian that’s funny, i.e. not Rove, or an interviewer like Denton), rather than just a TV personality.
6. More old school show and dance numbers. If it’s going to be lame, it may as well be really lame.
7. More taking the piss out of Channel 9’s program line up this year. My Kid’s a Star? Seriously…
8. Drastically reducing the length of the telecast… as in, shrinking it to the length of an ad where they flash up a website you can go visit to find out the results.
9. Introducing a reality program called "Logies Night Up Late", showing everyone sloshed and acting like the classless fools we know half of them probably are and hooking up with each other. It would be hilarious.
10. Daryl Sommers… being carried off in a straight jacket for being crazy for thinking his jokes are still funny, or ever have been funny.
So basically my awards ceremony would be compeered by Kerry O’Brian, Andrew Denton or Tony Jones and would involve ABC comedy stars doing a song and dance routine paying out Kate Ritchie for losing the gold logie and Channel 9’s program line up, handing out a few statues to some notable actresses like Tammy Clarkson, watching the "personalities that died this year" montage (you can’t get rid of that), clapping as Daryl Sommers gets carted up a red carpet to the loony bin, then going home. Half an hour, tops. So much better.
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I stupidly turned on the new Channel 9 show “My Kids a Star”. Omigosh, it’s horrible. Tantamount to child abuse really.
It’s like the producers have taken some B grade performers from the Woop Woop Eisteddfod who have particularly neurotic parents, and have then taken their parents delusion as a license to absolutely rip in to these kids who have done nothing wrong but be spawned by nutjobs.
I mean, it’s safe to say that about 75 per cent of parents who shove their kids in dance, singing or drama classes have some delusion that their child is actually talented. If your parents aren’t one eyed and deluded about your talent levels, who the hell will be? They are really your only hope.
But it’s not some phenomenon that needs to be remedied via the medium of reality tv and Danny Bonaduce (!! I know!! WTF!!!).
Most of these kids will move on in a few years, and if they don’t, there are always other reality tv formats to smack them around the ears with a dose of the real world (e.g. Idol, SYTYCD).
This show is pointless and embarrassing and probably will mean half these kids are going to be in therapy one day.
I mean, I was a star of the Albury/Wodonga Eisteddfod, but I realised that perhaps the world wasn’t ready for a portly and not particularly skilled ballerina, so I graciously stood back from the limelight and decided on a retiring career in community journalism.
Seriously, they will get over it.
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So, I’ve decided to give up watching trashy TV. It’s getting far too much, and even though I still follow politics and news and everything, I think it’s shrinking my brain. No more gossip blogs or trash TV.
APRIL FOOLS!!!
I of course was glued to the screen on Sunday night for the premiere of the new series of Australian Gladiators!!! I was hoping it would evoke all kinds of happy 1995 memories… those sweet sweet days when one’s biggest worry was trying to figure out how to build a paper mache mask for a history assignment or something. Then getting your parents to do it instead…
Anyway, I was also particularly excited because Thunder, the king of the new crop of Gladiators, is actually a family friend of my parents. And I love some good name dropping. My parents are pretty well connected. Not only do they know Thunder, my mum’s friend’s cat is Cathy Freeman’s cat’s sister, my mum once beat Richard Roxborough in an Albury Public School talent show, my mum’s cousin had Princess Mary come to her wedding and vice versa, among other tenuous celeb connections. Who says country people are out of the social networking circle?
Anyway, the Glads. Raucous laughter ensued from the very beginning. The lame-o intro, the hilarity of the Gladiators strutting out and posing with their lame names and catch phrases, the lame ambitions of the lame competitors and their idle threats to whoop some silver lycra clad booty (can I just say, how unflattering were the costumes? Um hello costume department, the Glads don’t want their leotards riding up their ninnys when they have to do battle, ok? And saggy lycra looks good on nobody)
The old games were still the same, the hosts and ref were stilted and piss weak and the voiceover guy even seemed wobbly.
Thunder rocked with his hammed up “stormy” temperament. Amazon was hilariously “tough and mean”.
Quote of the night though went to the blue haired biatch Viper, who whooped some competitor ass and then hissed (complete with non threatening snake arm actions) “You have just been viperised!”. Hurrah! A new verb for the Noughties, almost as purposeful as “Googling” something.
“Would you like this email saved or viperised?”
“Go get viperised, you twit.”
“Saddam, can we viperise your weapons of mass destruction now? K, thanks.”
All in all, THE SHOW WAS AMAZING!
Let’s face it, nobody watches Gladiators for it to be “good”. Its appeal always lied in being cheesy and silly, just like B grade horror flicks like Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.
I think the fad will die fast though, and I don’t think Channel 7 will get another season out of the concept. Unless they jazz up the eliminator some more or something. Or, get every “celebrity” fool who has gone on Dancing with the Stars or It Takes Two to run the gauntlet, with the foam bat things replaced by chunks of wood full of rusty nails.
The next show they should revive though is Man O Man or It’s a Knockout!. Apparently, (and I found this out thanks to the Wikipedia prowess of one of my coworkers) the pool for Man O Man is still in the Channel 7 studios, under the set for Dancing with the Stars, and is still full of the water used for the show! Maybe we should start a petition to bring it back, since they still have the infrastructure and all…
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My radio was being silly and wouldn’t tune properly. So I got stuck momentarily listening to Kyle and Jackie O the other morning. I know, how did I survive! It was a close brush with death.
Quotes are a rough estimation of what was said (was driving, couldn’t whip out the notepad and take down shorthand).
K: “That Clover Moore, she’s a loony. An absolute fruitcake. She wants to take all the cars out of the city… how will people get here? In other places where they’ve done that, it’s made the city a total white elephant.”
J: “Well, it might be nice to have less cars in the city. The parking here is too expensive though. It needs free parking.”
K: “Yeah, that’s right. Cheaper parking. But if there’s no cars, it will be completely dead. It’s stupid.”
J: “Oh, it might be alright, there’s lots of people that work in the city, they might still be walking around.”
K: “No it won’t. And she wants to knock down a road as well doesn’t she? It’s ridiculous. What road was it?”
J: “I think it’s the one near Circular Quay.”
K: “That’s bloody stupid. Ask the people who have shops in the city, I bet they want the cars to stay.”
J: “I dunno, I don’t think everyone shops in the city very much. I don’t really go in to the city. But maybe if more people caught trains it would be better. I think that’s what she wants people to do.”
K: “Well, the trains are all dirty and you get bashed on the trains, why would you want to go on the train, they’re disgusting. That loony Clover has done nothing to fix the trains, she’s just always got crackpot ideas.”
Clover doesn’t control the trains Kyle. That’s the State Government. ARRRGGGGHHH head explosion!
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(All of this was of course watched after a full viewing of the monumental apology to Indigenous Australians, particularly the Stolen Generations, which made me so proud and happy with our new government… and more angry with Brendan Nelson than I was about voluntary student unionism… and I really hope it signals a new pathway to move forward, Indigenous and non-indigenous, together… now on to the trash)
So I’ve been home from work sick. Which sucks, because I can’t do anything good cos I am sick. So I am stuck with daytime tv for company, and it’s pretty damn scary. Here are some things I learnt today;
1. That you can use chocolate to make a savoury chicken dish. And that it’s perfectly acceptable to interview a plastic surgeon about new innovation in boob jobs, and ask really stupid questions and act so obsequiously you would think the doc had just cured cancer. Thanks David and Kim.
2. That KIDS these days get on the INTERNET and they DON’T KNOW WHO they are TALKING TO. Moms and Dads need to be WATCHING their CHILDREN ALL THE TIME to ensure they don’t get raped in their own homes by BAD GUYS just WAITING to PREY on them on the INTERNET. "So Mom, how would you feel if little Katie here was talking to a 64 year old pedophile in one of these ‘chat worlds’? You’d feel guilty, riiight? Is that enough to make you stand up to your daughter and cut back her online time?". Thanks Dr Phil. I wouldn’t have understood it without your emphasis and guilt trippin’.
3. That you really can find true love… especially if you read the latest Oprah’s book club recommendation. (and as a side lesson, that a story about two old timers in love who re-found each other in a twist of fate is enough to make me cry when I have been stuck in my own bedroom for nearly a week. How lame!).
4. That some freaks have a deep rooted desire to put both blue vein cheese and mangos in the same recipe and shopping list. That some annoying people decide to try and get their mug on TV. And that a lot of them end up on Ready Steady Cook, and it’s not really fair on those of us at home who have lost their remote control in a pile of snotty tissues.
5. That newborn babies on the Bold and the Beautiful are able to hold up their own necks, and don’t need to be held in a supportive way. And that having an age difference of about 50 years between your ex-wife and current wife is some sort of social norm.
(actually did some other stuff for a few hours, then got tired and came back)
6. That Channel 7 news has managed to cross promote the hideous new season of "It Takes Two" in every bulletin this week. And that Channel 10 and 7 seem to interview the same people all the time at press conferences and major events.
7. (I don’t even know where to start with the things I learned on Neighbours… so much wisdom… will have to break it down)
a. That if you return to a small country town where you used to live before you and your husband split, you will inevitably run into his mistress.
b. That if you tell an old busybody your business and tell them to keep it mum, they will fumble around in such a ridiculous way that the secret is exposed within a matter of minutes.
c. That every time a parent and child share a bonding moment, they look at each other doughy eyed and then smile and both look into the middle distance and tilt their heads sideways.
d. That everytime Mikey (very annoying child) asks a question this is remotely serious, Ned will try and dumb down everything using a really bad analogy. His explanation as to why Janae left involved princesses and castles and dragons and far north Queensland and had all the degree educated people in my house scratching their heads, but I’m sure it made sense to an 8 year old kid. Good work Ned.
e. That all you need to go from limping around with a stick to running unaided is to have to release a Joey you handreared from birth. You will then chase it into the bush, realise you are running the 200m without your spaz limp, and you will henceforth be cured. WTF.
8. That in Summer Bay, Irene’s instincts are always right and questioning her judgement is tantamount to signing your own death warrant. If Irene thinks someone is a bad sort, they are very likely to be a major player in the next stalker or serial killer plot. Irene knows. She just does.
Wow, what a productive and inspiring day!
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… Clipart and Wordart? Back in the 1990s my school assignments were always full of Clipart and crazy Wordart headings. And they were usually written up in Comic Sans MS or Curlz MT (the shame!). And these fonts were frequently used on advertising flyers and signage, and all over the vintage internetz. Everyone was into it. Like so:
But as the years have passed us by, I have noticed it is only a core group of people who are still plugging away using Wordart and Clipart. Namely schoolchildren (like my younger sister) and people who make passive aggressive misspelt signs that go up around offices or sharehouses. And I just realised I completely forgot probably the biggest place
where WordArt and ClipArt are still socially acceptable…. Powerpoint
presentations.
An example of Clipart and Curlz MT in its proper context;
So I was surprised when I delved into the deep and murky parts of MS Word that I no longer inhabit, and found that Clipart and Wordart is still alive and well, with even more retina-burning options than before. In fact, the newer Clipart galleries not only have goofy cartoons and sketches of a range of standard office and educational equipment and occasions… the galleries also now provide lame stock photography of a range of important life moments. For example;
Child looking at world globe and man sipping OJ and reading paper are just the sort of images you need to make that company annual report or school project seem like it is worth reading. Also check out generic shot of computer keyboard and or child on playground equipment when you are looking for a bit more pizzazz on your resume.
But to be honest, these new slick Clipart options really don’t do it for me like they used to back in the good old days. When they were really low res and extra cheesy.
Since the "kids" these days are into vintage clothes, vintage reproduction, fluoro and Wolfmother, perhaps we could bring back another relic of days gone by as some sort of ironic statement on something… anything… it doesn’t really matter. Perhaps all the hip and happening 20-somethings climbing up the corporate ladder while wearing skinny jeans and fluoro jumpsuits on the weekends should start using Wordart and Clipart in all their documents at work, as a shoutout to the days of Web 1.0, Windows 95, Leisure Suit Larry and Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing Edition 1.
Vintage Clipart could be the next big bandwagon to jump on… get on board I reckon…
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I am so glad Australian Idol is finished for another year. Especially since they managed to drag the final verdict on for three hours… it was truly agonising. For a good recap, visit Bland Canyon.
No matter how many costume changes from one hideous getup to another, no matter how many former Idol “stars” they trot out that leave you scratching your head and trying to remember their names, no matter how many times Channel 10’s live feed drops out, leaving you guffawing at a camera shot of the back of the crowd while they try to rearrange everything to restart another “live” performance… three hours is way too long!
The best bit was Chrissy Amplett from the Divynals asking Andrew G what his name was while completely off her face, and James asking Matt what it would take to make him cry, then saying “maybe I will just have to punch you in the nuts then”. Other than that, boring.
Now I can just enjoy quality programs like America’s Next Top Model instead.
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