Get ready to battle…

AustraliaSydneyTrashTV on the radio

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In a boon for manufacturers of foam weaponary and gymnastics rings, Channel 7 has announced that Gladiators will return to our screens next year.

Who could forget this classic show of the 1990s?  Where ordinary people faced off against fitness powerhouses dressed in newly invented metallic lycra. I am sure that the expansion of Clark Rubber stores around the country during the same time period was intrinsically linked with people’s desire to construct their own ‘gaunlets’ in their backyard.  I only hope that the new version will retain its naff qualities, and the gladiators will have equally ridiculous names.

It will be interesting to see how this show will be adapted to suit the noughties.  It will probably be dissapointing.  I would probably prefer just to watch reruns of the 1995-1997 versions.

But at least we will probably be able to find out more about the people behind the lycra using stalkerbook or MySpazz now.

I wonder whether the games will be the same, or if it will go all high tech.  I hope not.  There is something endearing about watching people pummel each other with oversized cotton buds for no good reason.

The names are what I am most interested to hear.  Surely they can’t use the names they used last time around… I mean, it’s not like a soap opera where you can replace one Vulcan or Flame with another one… not like how Bec Cartwright’s portrayal of Hailey on H&A was easily filled by some new redheaded chick who didn’t look a thing like her.  This wouldn’t work on Gladiators.  There is only one Storm, Hammer or Taipan.  They are identities ingrained in the Australian psyche.  They probably still get mobbed on the streets.

So some suggestions for new names are in order.  Since all the seasons, elements, rudimentary pieces of hardware needed in a garden shed and weather patterns were pretty much used up last time (click here if you can’t remember the crew), the producers will have to get really creative this time.

What about a Gladiator named after Kyle Sandilands?  Special weapon, berrating people’s physical appearance until they give up fighting and cry.  Or Howard.  He’s been unbeaten for 11 years, despite having a poor defence for misguided attacks.

Tsunami is one natural disaster they didn’t use last time.  And "Terrorist" seems to be a pretty scary label that might create a climate of fear in the studio/set/gymnasium/adventure playground. Chainsaw, hoe, spade are other items that you could buy at Bunnings to hurt someone and that have not yet named a gladiator.

And maybe one of the chicks should just be called "Feminist".  That seems to scare a lot of people these days.

Oh I wonder who the host will be?  Maybe they will drag Mike Whitney back from boring travel advertorials on Sydney Weekender to do the job.  Or perhaps they will save him for when they bring back "Who Dares Wins".  If only…

Imagine if they pick Daryl Sommers!!!  Who else is in the Channel 7 stable that is out of work at the mom… wait.  I have it.  Naomi Robson would be ideal.  She always liked to see people come to blows.

That could inspire a whole new tangent of Gladiator naming.  "Tax cheat", "Dodgy plumber", "Bludger", "Battler"… the list goes on.

I can’t wait.  Even though I know it will be a let down.

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