Lately I’ve been hermiting. My urge to socialise is just very low right now. Earlier in the year I felt desperately isolated and lonely, but winter seems to have turned that from a kind of frustrated torture into a preferred state of being. While my mind keeps telling that that I should organise things, and catch up with people, and be a better friend, my mind doesn’t feel like doing it, my body doesn’t feel like doing it, and I feel like I use up all my socialising energy just at work or dealing with the things I have to deal with day-to-day. I kind of hate myself for being like this because I don’t want to lose more friends or become further distanced from people due to inattention on my part, but I am having trouble pushing beyond it.
Unfortunately we had a death in the family last month of my elderly uncle, so I’ve had to go back and forward to my hometown a few times in relation to that. It’s nice to see my family, but trips do tire me out (the most efficient way is to drive, 3.5 hours each way), so maybe that is one of the contributors.
Work was really busy and has finally calmed down a bit, so perhaps it is just trying to catch up on rest after that.
It also might be some sort of coping strategy because I just am feeling more distant from people the longer this illness goes on. So maybe this is some kind of subconscious acceptance, who knows.
I also do little things with my sister, so I’m not totally by myself, so perhaps that’s another reason too.
Or maybe it is because it is cold.
That’s probably the main reason.
Much of my hermiting time just seems to vanish in nothingness – naps, Netflix trash, incessant scrolling, the Who? Weekly podcast. Resting but never feeling rested, the usual. But this weekend at least I cooked up quite a few nice dishes, pureed and pickled some things. I’ve done a couple of sewing projects in recent months (though I move very slow on that front, even though I enjoy it). And there’s always cleaning and washing etc to do, which is a substantive energy drain.
But besides that, I’m just hermiting, with a reasonable dusting of self-judgment about it.