Last night there was pretty much two choices on TV.
1. A house full of people of questionable talent… Big Brother.
2. A casino showroom full of people of questionable talent… the Logies.
I caught a few brief moments of the Logies, and it was, as is to be expected, pretty damn terrible.
But I think the lowest point was when Bindi Irwin won best new female talent… and beat actual grown up actresses, because according to the Australian public, she has "talent"… I’d call it "a good marketing team and an overbearing stage mom dealing with her grief in a way likely to mean her daughter will need serious counselling for a long time".
But hey, what the Australian public says goes I guess.
There were a few things I would suggest to improve the ceremony.
1. More Mr G/Chris Lilley characters.
2. More Chaser and Adam Hills.
3. Less of anyone that has ever appeared on Sunrise, Today, Today Tonight, A Current Affair or 9am with David and Kim, minus the ones that appeared only in file footage as part of a one sided slur piece against them.
3. Less of anyone from Dancing with the Stars, It Takes Two, or other show that involves B or C grade celebrities doing something they aren’t good at.
4. Actually, less of anyone from a commercial TV station. Unless they are making a speech so idiotic it’s actually comical.
5. Kate Ritchie not winning the gold Logie. The upset would have been great. As long as Rove or Lisa McCune didn’t win it either. It would be amazing if an actor or actress won it (or comedian that’s funny, i.e. not Rove, or an interviewer like Denton), rather than just a TV personality.
6. More old school show and dance numbers. If it’s going to be lame, it may as well be really lame.
7. More taking the piss out of Channel 9’s program line up this year. My Kid’s a Star? Seriously…
8. Drastically reducing the length of the telecast… as in, shrinking it to the length of an ad where they flash up a website you can go visit to find out the results.
9. Introducing a reality program called "Logies Night Up Late", showing everyone sloshed and acting like the classless fools we know half of them probably are and hooking up with each other. It would be hilarious.
10. Daryl Sommers… being carried off in a straight jacket for being crazy for thinking his jokes are still funny, or ever have been funny.
So basically my awards ceremony would be compeered by Kerry O’Brian, Andrew Denton or Tony Jones and would involve ABC comedy stars doing a song and dance routine paying out Kate Ritchie for losing the gold logie and Channel 9’s program line up, handing out a few statues to some notable actresses like Tammy Clarkson, watching the "personalities that died this year" montage (you can’t get rid of that), clapping as Daryl Sommers gets carted up a red carpet to the loony bin, then going home. Half an hour, tops. So much better.